We Are Family

I've been thinking about this post since Thursday.  I've had occasion recently to spend more time with my sister-from-another-mister and that started the wheels turning.  I've also had some new developments in my personal life that have made this even more timely.

Family.  Its a strange, varied concept.  Here is where I could use that old essay tip and break out the definition, in all its variations.  But I'm not gonna do that.  I'm willing to bet that most people in my generation (either X or Millennial, depending on who one asks, although I prefer Generation Catalano) see the same image when we think of "family":  parents and their kids.  We probably think this even though most of us didn't grow up in a two-parent household.  And of course, we know there's other types of families.  Single parents, step parents and step kids, half siblings, same sex marriages with either adopted or biological children, grandparents caring for their grandkids, foster kids and foster parents.  That's not even taking into account extended family members.

I fall into one of the unusual categories.  I was adopted as an infant.  A few years later, my adoptive parents had a biological child of their own, my younger brother.  It makes for some interesting anecdotes.  But one of the best things it has given me is a very loose definition of what family means.  I was told very young that I was adopted and was given a book titled The Chosen Baby.  Like most adoptees, I got the whole "we chose you" spiel.  Which is true, to a point; adoption is a topic for another day.  But that little bit of information has stuck with me all my life.  I was chosen.  People can choose their families.  Its not all based on blood or legality.

We choose who we love.  Who we keep close to us.  Who we share our secrets, our lives, our souls with.  It doesn't have to be your parents or your grandparents.  Sometimes, those people are toxic.  Sadly, there's nothing we can do about it as children.  But once we're grown and independent, we can choose our families.  Do other people realize this?  Is it just something I learned from being adopted?  I hope not.  But just in case it is, please hear me now:  Your family is your choice.  Sure, you can't stop being kin to someone.  But that doesn't mean you have to allow any and all blood relatives into your life.  Blood doesn't mean shit.  At least, it doesn't have to.  When it comes to family, all that matters is love and loyalty.  Even more specifically, love and loyalty that goes both ways.  It must be reciprocated.  You can love your dad all you want, but if he doesn't love you back, if he's not loyal to playing the role of father to you, he's not worthy of the title.  If he's a deadbeat, or throws you over for other people, he's not worth it.  Same with any family member.

It hurts.  Of course it hurts to realize these people who you have believed are family aren't really worthy of that designation.  I won't minimize that at all.  But you have to move past it.  And its incredibly freeing to realize that you can choose your family.  It doesn't mean you replace them; it just means that you choose someone worthy of that honor to be in your life.  And maybe you'll never meet another person whom you feel comfortable considering your father or sister or aunt.  But you can meet someone who is better-suited to fill the empty spaces in your life where those people should be.That also doesn't mean that you won't have arguments or hard times; love isn't easy, and life ain't always sunshine and rainbows.  It does mean that you both will value your relationship enough to work through the hard times, like family should.

I am Cecilia.  Becca is not related to me by blood or law, but she's my sister anyways.  Our love and loyalty for one another knows no bounds, and that's what family means to me.

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

Let's talk about this transgender bathroom law.  I think we need to use some common sense, some empathy, and a little education.  First, let's talk about some people who use public restrooms.

This is me:

Its an old picture, but you get the general idea.  I was born female.  I identify as female.  I use the women's restroom when I must go in public.

This is my husband, Brent:

He was born male.  He identifies as male.  He uses the men's room when he must go in public.

This is my sister from another mister, Becca:

She was born female.  She identifies as female.  She uses the lady's room when she must go in public.  However, to this day, she still gets called "Sir" on a regular basis, simply because she doesn't look as "female" as some think she should. 

This is a model named Ben Melzer:

He was born female.  He identifies as male.  I do not know him personally, but given that he identifies as male, and looks male, he probably uses the men's restroom when he's out in public and has to go.

This is an actress named Laverne Cox:

She was born male.  She identifies as female.  I do not know her personally, but I'm willing to bet she uses the lady's room when she needs to go in public.


You will notice that in each of these people's descriptions, I didn't mention two things:  who they sleep with and what type of genitalia they possess.  That's because neither of those things have anything to do with transgender people or which bathroom anyone uses.

I'm 36 years old.  I've been using public restrooms a long time.  I cannot remember a single time I've ever seen someone's vulva or vagina in a public restroom.  Even if you mistakenly open an occupied stall's door, you simply see someone sitting on a toilet, pants and underwear around their ankles.  Because I'm only half the population, I had to ask Brent about the men's room.  I know they have urinals, where one could conceivably see a penis, but he has assured me that it's considered bad form to look over at another man's junk while they're peeing. He also told me that he's never seen another man's full-on naughty bits while in a men's restroom. There are also stalls in men's rooms, and I assume they work mostly the same as in the women's room.  So, most people go into the corresponding bathroom based on whether they are male or female, but we take those people at their word because none of us are in there to check out someone else's genitals.

Now that we've gotten a discussion about public restrooms out of the way, let's talk about this law.  The law North Carolina just passed that everyone is talking about states that we each must use the restroom of the gender listed on our birth certificate.  Now, the thought is, with more people publicly coming out as transgender, this will protect citizens from perverts who would claim to be transgender to get into a public restroom and...be perverts, I guess.  I've never had that experience in a public restroom, but I imagine it happens.

The problem with the law is this:  Those last 2 pictures, that man and that woman, would have to use the bathroom of the gender of their birth.  Now, you can think they're sinners, deviants, mentally ill, what have you.  I disagree, but you're welcome to your opinion.  To me, Ms. Cox looks like a woman, regardless of her birth certificate or what might be between her legs.  Under North Carolina's law, if she used a public restroom there, she would be forced to use the men's room.  Same situation with Mr. Melzer, he would be forced to use the women's restroom unless he wanted to break the law.

Like I said, I've never been the victim of public restroom perversion, but I'm sure it happens.  And I'd imagine that, when it does, the victims, or just people observing sketchy behavior, alert either the management or the police. But now, I can see many people reporting Mr. Melzer in the lady's room, even though this law forces him to be there.  Because he looks like a man.  And a man in the lady's room is questionable and the very thing that these lawmakers say they are trying to avoid with this law.  Seems like people that look male and are actually male can now just walk in the lady's room and we'd have no way of knowing if they were perverts or transgender.

And all these people crying about their kids in the bathroom, they don't want their kids around perverts.  Seriously?!?  You don't think you're gonna have a harder time explaining why Ms. Cox is in the men's restroom than you would if she just went to the women's, which is where she rightfully belongs?  And what about my daughter?  She's four, not yet old enough to use a public restroom unattended.  My husband, her father, takes her out on "dates" pretty regularly.  What would happen under this law?  Right now, she goes into the men's with him.  He sticks his head in and checks out the room, then ushers her to a stall.  She does her business, washes, and leaves.  But, she was born female, and would need to use a lady's room.  Does she now have to go by herself?  Is there an exception for children?  What about special needs kids?

Before this law, I'm sure we all just went in the bathroom, did our business, and left.  We probably couldn't have remembered who else was in there if our life depended on it, unless someone was acting shady.  I would imagine Ms. Cox in the lady's room, or Mr. Melzer in the men's room, would have raised no eyebrows.  Laws should be made to protect people and solve problems.  This law will possibly out many transgender people, leading perhaps to violence committed against them.  This law is creating many more problems than it solves.  It is ridiculous and possibly harmful to part of the population of North Carolina.  It needs to go.  And I'll leave which restroom's toilet it gets flushed down up to someone else.