I refer to myself as a pop culture junkie. I like art. I like entertainment. Not always, but most of the time, I like what I like because it strikes some deep chord inside me. I mean, I like cheesy, silly stuff, too. But usually, the movies or music or shows that I love, I love for a very personal reason.
I was going through this crisis of faith in high school. I was having a hard time unifying my faith with my reality. I'm Catholic, and my sister is a lesbian. I was being told she was going to burn in hell. I could not understand how that was even remotely possible if someone, including God, had met my sister. I was reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, and they really helped me figure stuff out. The stories about these creatures who feel that they are damned by being exactly the way they are was a really good allegory for homosexuals and helped me rectify my faith with what I was being told was a sin.
While I still love those novels, and read the new ones, I'm not as fanatical about them as I once was. They served their purpose in my life. I don't feel a strong need to re-read them every so often, as I do other stories.
Like most girls my age, I was raised on Disney movies. I'm not sure the movies are to blame, but for a very, very long time, I felt that I needed a man to save me. Love, romantic love, above all things, was what I wanted. As I got older, I didn't feel the need to be "saved" from my boring, crappy life so much as I just wanted someone to love me. And I mean love me passionately and deeply and in spite of my flaws and imperfections. I wanted someone who knew what I was thinking, who understood me. That's a pretty big request, because most of the time, I don't even understand myself. And while I had outgrown the Disney fantasy of love, I found another, better representation.
In 1994, "The Crow" was released. I was 14. I'd been dying to see it, based simply on the commercials, the soundtrack, and of course the tragedy of Brandon Lee's death. I managed to see it in theatres, and some part of me was forever changed by it. I was obsessed. I'm still obsessed. Most people think of that film as an action flick, and it is. But its something more to me. Eric Draven's fiancée, Shelly, is brutally raped and they are both murdered. Eric comes back from the dead to avenge Shelly. And I wanted that.
Now, am I delusional enough to believe things like that actually happen? Not quite. But that doesn't mean the feeling doesn't exist. I wanted someone to love me so much, that if such a thing were possible, they'd do it for me. I wanted someone to love me that much, as if a feeling could be quantifiable. I wanted someone who's love for me was so strong, they would fight and rage against death just to do right by me.
I realize how ridiculous it sounds. I do. I have come to expect the snickers I hear when I admit this to people. I'm sure to some people I sound like a raving lunatic. But is it really so much to ask? Don't most of us want to be and feel loved? Just because I've chosen a really weird way to express it doesn't make the longing less valid.
And for a long time, I thought I had that kind of love. Actually, I guess I did have that love for a little while. But for whatever reason, it didn't last. And its kind of a sad thing to find yourself looking for the same thing out of life at 37 as you were at 14. And for a long time, it made me feel...kind of pathetic to admit to it. Some people have these huge ambitions. They want education or a good job or success or wealth or fame. My biggest ambition is love. Its to be able to give every ounce of my love to one person and have them do the same for me.
Its Valentine's Day. Its the first time I've been single on this day since 1999. And honestly, I'm kind of bummed. I wish I was getting the flowers or the chocolates or the whatever. Not because of the things; stuff isn't super important to me. I wish someone felt at least a little something for me, enough to express it that way. But then I remember that its just a day. And someone caring for you transcends what the calendar tells you that you should be doing.
So if you have someone who loves or cares for you, appreciate them today, but also appreciate them everyday. As for myself, I think I'll go home after work and watch "The Crow". I may not have someone who loves me like that today, but maybe someday on like, a random Thursday, I'll find myself with someone who feels for me the way I feel for them. And until that happens, until I find someone to give all my love to, I'll drown in the other thing I have an abundance of: Hope.
