We Are Family

I've been thinking about this post since Thursday.  I've had occasion recently to spend more time with my sister-from-another-mister and that started the wheels turning.  I've also had some new developments in my personal life that have made this even more timely.

Family.  Its a strange, varied concept.  Here is where I could use that old essay tip and break out the definition, in all its variations.  But I'm not gonna do that.  I'm willing to bet that most people in my generation (either X or Millennial, depending on who one asks, although I prefer Generation Catalano) see the same image when we think of "family":  parents and their kids.  We probably think this even though most of us didn't grow up in a two-parent household.  And of course, we know there's other types of families.  Single parents, step parents and step kids, half siblings, same sex marriages with either adopted or biological children, grandparents caring for their grandkids, foster kids and foster parents.  That's not even taking into account extended family members.

I fall into one of the unusual categories.  I was adopted as an infant.  A few years later, my adoptive parents had a biological child of their own, my younger brother.  It makes for some interesting anecdotes.  But one of the best things it has given me is a very loose definition of what family means.  I was told very young that I was adopted and was given a book titled The Chosen Baby.  Like most adoptees, I got the whole "we chose you" spiel.  Which is true, to a point; adoption is a topic for another day.  But that little bit of information has stuck with me all my life.  I was chosen.  People can choose their families.  Its not all based on blood or legality.

We choose who we love.  Who we keep close to us.  Who we share our secrets, our lives, our souls with.  It doesn't have to be your parents or your grandparents.  Sometimes, those people are toxic.  Sadly, there's nothing we can do about it as children.  But once we're grown and independent, we can choose our families.  Do other people realize this?  Is it just something I learned from being adopted?  I hope not.  But just in case it is, please hear me now:  Your family is your choice.  Sure, you can't stop being kin to someone.  But that doesn't mean you have to allow any and all blood relatives into your life.  Blood doesn't mean shit.  At least, it doesn't have to.  When it comes to family, all that matters is love and loyalty.  Even more specifically, love and loyalty that goes both ways.  It must be reciprocated.  You can love your dad all you want, but if he doesn't love you back, if he's not loyal to playing the role of father to you, he's not worthy of the title.  If he's a deadbeat, or throws you over for other people, he's not worth it.  Same with any family member.

It hurts.  Of course it hurts to realize these people who you have believed are family aren't really worthy of that designation.  I won't minimize that at all.  But you have to move past it.  And its incredibly freeing to realize that you can choose your family.  It doesn't mean you replace them; it just means that you choose someone worthy of that honor to be in your life.  And maybe you'll never meet another person whom you feel comfortable considering your father or sister or aunt.  But you can meet someone who is better-suited to fill the empty spaces in your life where those people should be.That also doesn't mean that you won't have arguments or hard times; love isn't easy, and life ain't always sunshine and rainbows.  It does mean that you both will value your relationship enough to work through the hard times, like family should.

I am Cecilia.  Becca is not related to me by blood or law, but she's my sister anyways.  Our love and loyalty for one another knows no bounds, and that's what family means to me.