Freedom

Last week was rough.  Bunch of minor irritations, and one larger one.  Last week was my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding anniversary.  Unfortunately, while I love them both and am very happy for them, that day has negative connotations in my life.  That day was the beginning of the end of my marriage.  And while I’ve moved on, the memories of the things that happened between the ex and I are still pretty fresh and cause me to feel a bit of resentment that I’m still working to overcome.  There’s no need to provide details; it was bad, and that’s all anyone else needs to know.  Perhaps other couples could have moved on from the drama and revelations that day brought.  At the time, I thought we could.  I feel like I really tried to work through all the issues and heal my marriage, but I felt then, and still feel now, that he didn’t.  I’m not at all trying to degrade my ex; maybe he knew that we would never make it work, that everything that led to the explosion that day was just too much to move past.  Maybe he just didn’t give a shit.  It doesn’t really matter anymore.  Because what happened, happened, and its over.  I’m free.

Free.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  I spent damn near 20 years of my life putting someone else first.  I was doing it before I understood the implications of putting someone’s health and happiness and feelings and thoughts before yourself.  I did so much for him.  And for a while, after it was over, I didn’t know how to live, who I was, without having someone other than Sarah to take care of.  But one day it hit me:  all that attention and effort and work I put into trying to maintain my marriage and my partner, I could put that towards myself.  Getting divorced meant that, essentially, I became a part-time mother.  Sarah spends every other week with her father.  I’m glad that she has a father who wants to be that active in her life.  And I miss her terribly when I don’t have her.  But, eternal optimist that I am, I find the bright side.  I use that free time to do the things I always wanted to do but couldn’t find time for while being a wife. 

I’ve started reading again.  I’ve been writing, this blog and some poetry.  Its been ages since I’ve written poetry.  Mainly because, for me to write poetry, I have to feel.  And for years my feelings didn’t really belong to me.  My life didn’t belong to me.  I watch movies, binge watch whatever I want.  I take long baths and do girly shit.  I’ve been to Chattanooga to see my sister more in the last six months than I did in the previous six years.  I spend time with friends, I do crafts, I go on dates .  And I think.  About all kinds of things, but a lot about myself.  I can do that now.  And I’ve learned and realized so much about myself, and about what I want, should I ever find a potential partner.  And its so different from what I lived with for so long that its amazing.

I enjoy my alone time.  I need it more than I ever realized.  It allows me to recharge and refresh myself.  I don’t want or need a relationship with someone who wants to be up my ass 24/7.  I don’t require a lot of attention.  Nor do I want to give a lot of attention.  I mean, I’ll text a guy off and on all day, maybe have the occasional phone conversation, but I don’t need to see him every day.  I’ll give as much time, attention, and support as possible without interfering with my own well-being.  And I expect the same in return.  If I make time for someone, they should also make time for me.  I’m 37 years old, have a full time job and am a mother. I don’t have time to give to someone who isn’t worth it; I’ve got other things I could be doing.

I want a sense of humor, an easy-going attitude, a listener and thinker.  I want someone who respects me and understands that you get what you give.  Mostly, above all else, I want a fucking adult.  I have one child and I don’t particularly want another.  Of course that means the regular things like a job, a car, a roof.  But it also means that he knows how to take care of himself.  He makes his own doctor appointments, he buys groceries and budgets his money, he knows when he needs his own alone time, and takes it. 

 The best part of all this?  I feel fulfilled without a partner.  If I get lonely, its easy enough to find someone to pass the time with, just have fun.  But having a relationship?  I don’t need it.  So I can be picky.  And if I do find someone to be with, there’s no rush.  I don’t particularly want to get married again.  I don’t have to make grand plans for the future.   Once you’ve been through a divorce, you know things can eventually end, and there’s even a freedom in that.  I can live each day for what it is:  a chance to grow and learn and explore and love myself and those I care about.  Nothing more.  And that freedom is priceless.